


PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Elves)

by Gesundheit28



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Crack, Enemies to Friends, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, future jicky implied, hot joe bc why not, im adopting nicky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:54:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28211220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gesundheit28/pseuds/Gesundheit28
Summary: All Nicky wanted to know was what Joe had against him. There was a lot more to it than what he really thought.Alternatively the fic where Santa is a dumb bitch that needs to be stopped
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3
Collections: SHIP WARS Secret Santa 2020





	PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Elves)

**Author's Note:**

> It is now 1 am as I finish writing this so I can go to sleep. I haven't proof read this, so bear with me if there's any errors, but I hope you enjoy!!!

For an average human child, Christmas was the best day of the year. You might think the same would be true for those up in the north pole, but they had whole other kinds of fun. Christmas and 12 days prior were busy and filled with arrangements, making sure presents were wrapped, labelled, that the reindeer were set… the list really just went on. January 1st was where the fun came in. 

That is the annual day for the reindeer games.

Nicky was just an elf in training for the workshop, he’d longed to be a reindeer racer since he was young, but those positions were only for Santa’s helpers. As he walked through the halls of the workshop, honey brick walls were covered in holly and twinkling lights, with posters for the Games sporadically positioned all around.

Speaking of Santa’s helpers, his mind flitted to the top racers in the academy. Andy, Joe, and Quynh were the golden trio of the helpers, the three musketeers, whatever you could think of; everyone wanted to be them. Easily the best racers, they were untouchable on the course, playing with their competition before speeding ahead for the final stretch. It didn’t help that they were so good looking either...

No, Nicky absolutely did not think Joe was the best looking man in the North, how ridiculous would that be? 

Shaking his head, he picked up his pace, now jogging towards the courtyard. He pulled open the heavy red doors with a loud screech. Nicky cringed as the hinges creaked loudly.

So much for making an inconspicuous entrance.

As he quietly toed in the room, his face exploded into a bright red realizing the entire crowd turned to look at him. 

A single scoff echoed through the room, Nicky’s eyes darting to the origin of the sound. 

His eyes made contact with Joe’s, the man glaring down at him from his seat on stage. Before he could think about it too long, Santa Sebastian continued on with his speech.

With all the other elves turning back to the stage, Nicky made his way to the left where he knew Nile was waiting. As soon as he slid next to her, he recoiled backwards, a slap thawking the back of his head. 

“What the hell was that?” She hissed, “Sometimes I wonder how you made it into advanced elf studies when you can’t tell left from right half the time”

“It wasn’t my fault” He whispered back, “Someone stole my belled shoes!”

She looked at him bewildered, glancing down at his red loafers, then back up to his eyes. 

“You really thought it was a good idea to show up late to the chariot picking because you couldn’t find your shoes,” she said exasperated.

Nicky felt himself flush again, “When you put it that way it sounds bad--” 

“Yeah because it is”

“-- but it really wasn’t my fault,” he leans in closer to her, “I think Joe took them, the bastard!”

Nile’s eyes narrow, “Is he bothering you again? We really ought to knock some sense into him.”

The elf sighed, “There’s really no point in it anymore, you say that dumb smirk on his face when I walked in, it has to be him! I saw him walking past the workshop doors this morning but I didn’t think much of it then…” 

An unpleasant feeling crawled over his body, he wasn’t sure what he had done to make Joe loathe him so much, but the older helper was constantly making jabs at him. When the elves and helpers are young, they’re put in the same building of the Academy. Elves continue on into their advanced studies, while helpers switch over to the stables after coming of age. 

When they were younger, Nicky had garnered himself the reputation of a teachers pet fairly quickly. Joe, who didn’t even share any of the same classes as him, would never let him hear the end of it in the halls or the canteen. 

It wasn’t even just taunts! He’d been the victim to far too many pranks for his liking, stealing his best shoes, the ones with jingling bells, and replacing them with simple loafers? Simply atrocious. 

Nicky often wishes Joe was ugly. 

That way he’d be easier to hate, maybe he wouldn’t have the entire academy wrapped around his finger too. But alas, with his blazing dark eyes and that damned smirk… Nicky really was a weak man. 

Nile suddenly kicked his leg, making him yelp and look up at her. 

“What the hell was that for this time?”

“Santa Sebastian is about to announce the teams, dimwit!”

The elf instantly perked up, peering at the stage. 

Each year for the Reindeer Games, elves that had come of age would be split into teams for each of the riders. This was Nicky and Nile’s first year.

Finally turning to actually listen to what Santa Sebastian was saying, his back straightened as the riders stood up. Alongside Andy, Joe, and Quynh stood James, Steven, and Lykon. 

Out of everyone, James and Lykon seemed like the safest bets for him. Andy, Joe, or Quynh would come with endless teasing from Joe, and as for Steven… Nobody wants to be on Steven’s team.

“Now for what you’ve been waiting for,” Santa boomed, “I’m gifting you all socks for your hard work this year!” A large smile broke out on his face as he gauged the audience’s reaction.

Nicky and Nile exchanged a glance, confused.

“Sir aren’t you going to announce the teams?”

“What are we going to do with… socks?”

“Is this because Lucy got knocked up?”

The murmuring paused to look at a blond elf in the crowd who had just spoken.

“Lucy’s pregnant?!”

“No way! Who’s the father?”

“Dammit I just wanted socks…”

Santa blinked before coughing, “that… was meant to be a joke.” He blinked once more confused, “There are no socks, I wanted to see your reaction.”

The audience looked from the blond elf, to Santa, and then back to the elf.

“So is Lucy pregnant or not then?”

Sebastian huffed, “Let me get through the teams and you can get back to your gossip.” 

He unrolled a new scroll of paper, clearing his throat loudly before reciting, “Andy will have elves with birth names beginning with A-D, Quynh with E-I, James with J-M, Joe with N-R, Steven with S-V, and lastly, Lykon with W-Z” 

He rolled up the piece of paper and threw it into the cheering audience, spreading his arms widely he called “Let the games begin!”

________________________

Having to deal with Joe’s stupidly handsome and equally annoying face was something Nicky was not looking forward to, but at least he’d have Nile with him.

They followed their cohort to the stables, where Joe would brief them on this year's games. 

From a quick glance around, most of the elves with them were a year or two older. He’d seen them around before, but it seemed like Nile and him were going to have to stick together.

“Here we are,” Joe said, pushing open the door to their workshop. 

He sat down on a stool at the front, beckoning him to join around the table. “Normally I wouldn’t be so concerned about him, but this year Steven has been bragging about having something up his sleeve.” He took a glance around the room, eyes stuttering on Nicky for a barely noticeable second.

“This year we’re going to have to design a new styled chariot, word has it he’s going mechanical instead of magic.” He sighed, pulling his hair down, and Nicky’s eyes couldn’t help but follow the bounce of his curls. “We’ll discuss this later, after we’ve finished our Christmas duties.”

His dark eyes closed for a second before returning to look at them. “I’ll call you when it’s time to meet again, for now, leave.”

There was a moment of silence where no one moved until Joe raised an eyebrow. Nickey quickly followed Nile out the doorway, walking back to the workshop.

Dealing with whatever he felt for Joe could wait, for now, they had a Christmas to finish.

________________________

It had been 4 days. 

The race was getting closer, and Nicky knew about Joe’s rigid organization, but for some reason there hadn’t been a meeting about the race yet. It seemed uncharacteristic of him to leave the race for the last minute, especially with this years’ chariot business. 

Deciding it wouldn’t hurt to catch a glance of what the helper was up to, after finishing his shift at the workshop, Nicky made a detour to the stables where they had their first meeting. 

His steps slowed as he approached the door, hearing muffled voices and clanks. He slid against the wall, and turned his head slowly to peek inside from the window.   
It was a sight he was used to, but that didn’t make the shock any less. 

Elves, working away on different parts of something as Joe scribbled away on a chalkboard. Elves that were in his cohort. 

So did this mean Joe had just forgotten to remind him? But he knew the racers had a list of their elves and their schedules. He also knew it wouldn’t have taken very much effort on Joe’s behalf to reach out to Santa if he couldn’t find him. 

Nicky chewed his lip anxiously, drawing his head back. 

Did Joe not want him? The helper was never the nicest to him, but this was Nicky’s first year helping in the races, Joe of all people knows how special that is. Nicky didn’t want to believe that Joe would purposely exclude him from meetings, but he wasn’t quite sure why else he wasn’t in that room right now working with the other elves.

As he slowly turned back to formulate how he’d confront Joe, a blob of red and white barrelled around the hall.

“Greetings, young elf!” Santa Sebastian boomed.

Nicky’s eyes widened. So much for a quiet escape he thought. “Hi Santa,” he coughed out, quickly moving away from the door.

The jolly man came up to him, patting his shoulder aggressively, “Ah, is this your stable room for the race? You’re with Joe, good man, let’s go say hello--” 

“--No, it’s really fine sir--”

“Nonsense! A little sneak peek for myself as well, and back to work for you.” The man swung open the door and they stood there in their glory. Nicky’s mouth was wide open, a fist half heartedly clutching at Santa’s garb while the man stood undeterred, beaming to the stables.

The elves inside paused their machines, removing their goggles and earplugs to see what caused the interruption.

Joe spun around from messy diagrams on the chalkboard, piercing eyes landing on the doorway where they stood. His eyes flicked from Santa, to Nicky, then back to Santa. 

Nicky’s face flushed red as Santa pushed him into the room. “Hello workers, I was just on my way to check on the reindeers when I encountered young Nicky here,” The man patted his shoulders lightly. “I trust your progress is coming along well for the race?”

Joe fish mouthed for a second, another elf nudging his ribs to get him to respond. The helper spluttered momentarily before collecting himself. 

“We’re doing fine here, just getting by like usual,” he said after a pregnant pause. He fiddled with the piece of chalk in his fingers.

Nicky was absolutely mortified. Santa, completely oblivious to the atmosphere in the room gave a toothy grin to Joe, “I’ll leave you to it then! Lots of preparations to finish…”

And with that, the whirlwind of a man let go of Nicky and marched out of the door with a slam.

There was a moment of silence as everyone looked at each other, unsure what to do about the younger elf in their midst.

Nicky took a cautious step back, clearing his throat before opening his mouth. Before he could say anything, Joe lunged towards him, smacking him in the head with a tube of wrapping paper.

The elf fell back with a shriek. “What are you-”

“Stay still,” Joe barked, “You weren’t supposed to be here.” 

The man whacked him with the wrapping paper again, pushing Nicky further against the door. 

Nicky’s face flushed crimson as Joe pressed up against him. 

“I don’t know what’s going on but I just wanted to see what we were going to do for the race,” he squeaked nervously. 

Joe glared down at him for a moment, before pulling him away from the door and pushing him into a chair. Two of the other elves came forth with a bundle of christmas lights in their hands.

“What’s going on??” He yelped trying to break free from their grasp, “Is this a cult thing? I really didn’t mean to intrude.” 

The elves paid his struggling no mind as they tied his wrists and legs to the chair. 

Joe rolled his eyes, letting out a huff. “This is exactly what I didn’t want. The nervous newbie coming in and messing up our plans, dammit.” He paced the length of the stable, pulling on his hair. 

The elf watched him apprehensively. “Plans? If you didn’t want me to be on your team, couldn’t you have just told me off from the beginning.” He wiggled against his restraints. “It would’ve been nice to avoid getting tied up by christmas lights.”

“This isn’t about the damned race, that’s why I didn’t tell you about it,” Joe growled as he walked up to the chalkboards.

He carefully flipped the boards over, revealing detailed notes and diagrams.

Nicky’s eyes scanned the boards, trying to take in what was happening. 

Joe stepped in front of him. 

“We’re going to stage a coup against Santa.”

The thoughts buzzing around Nicky’s mind stopped at once. “A coup?” he voiced, “against Santa? Why?” Nicky hadn’t the slightest clue what the group was going on about. Santa Sebastian had shown nothing but kindness to them.

Sure the man could be a little brash sometimes, but it was all part of his charm! What need was there for a coup?

“The man is blasphemous and an absolute slave driver!” Joe cried, echoes of agreements coming from the other elves.

“When I went on my first sleigh ride to the human land, I encountered a human,” the helper eerily whispered.

Nicky’s eyes widened, a real human? Humans were odd things, completely separated from their realm of magic and spirit. They weren’t all too great, what is life without even a little magic?

“We’re all tricked into thinking humans are silly and dull-minded here, but they’ve opened my eyes to a truth I would’ve never seen otherwise!” Joe was breathing harder now, hands flailing in distress. “Santa is a slave driver!”

“Yeah!”

“The humans have it so much better…”

“Santa sucks!”

Joe cleared his throat and the agreements of the elves quited. “Did you know that humans get paid for doing work? That they don’t have to work every single day of the year? That they get holiday days?” Joe looked at him with large doe eyes, “some employers even give their workers benefits!”

He yanked his head back abruptly, eyes narrowing in contempt. “And what do we get? Nothing? We work here every day of the year to prepare everything Santa needs for a good Christmas, and he doesn’t return the favour in any way.” 

The more he vented, the wilder his demeanour became. “When I talked to that human child, do you know what she told me? She told me Santa kisses her mother!” he loudly exclaimed

“Disgusting!”

“Poor Mrs. Claus!”

“Santa is an adulterer!”

Joe nodded earnestly alongside the elves. He looked around conspiratorially, “and that isn’t even the worst of his crimes,” he hissed. “Santa abuses my poor reindeer!” Joe wailed, the piece of chalk in his hand going flying.

Nicky gasped loudly. The reindeer?! “Santa would never!” he cried out, “stop this madness Joe, have you hit your head somewhere?” He flexed his fingers against the christmas lights tying him to the chair. “And let me out of these ridiculous restraints.”

Joe shook his head, sighing. “This is why I didn’t tell you about these meetings, I knew you were too far up Santa’s arse to be of help, but I have proof he abuses the reindeers!”

He walked up to a chalkboard on the left of the room with what seemed to have an odd form of poetry written on it. “You see this is what the humans call a ‘Christmas Carol,’ this one is called Rudolph the Rednosed reindeer.”

Spinning back around to the elves, eyes wild, he questioned “do you know why Rudolph has a red nose?” 

“Because Santa is abusing him!” The elves shrieked, clutching at their hearts.

“Yes” Joe cried, “The truth has been right under our noses this entire time! The other reindeer? They bullied poor Rudolph. They made him suffer and Santa did nothing but promote him because he knew Rudolph had been beaten into submission already! He wanted an easy and docile reindeer that would follow his every command, and he’d hurt poor Rudolph when he failed.”

Joe pushed away from the chalkboard, walking back to the center of the room. “As a helper, I take personal offense to Santa thinking he can hurt my reindeers and get away with it. Have you seen the size of that man? He forces them to carry his weight AND the sack of presents.” 

Joe paused for a moment. “The human taught me about a force by the name of gravity as well,” he mused. “The reindeers already have this force of 9.81 meters per second squared!”

“And they must deal with his load on top of that!” A stray elf cried, “absolutely unbearable!”

Nicky felt like a bucket of cold water had been thrown over him. Santa… a slave driver, abuser, and cheater? He wasn’t sure how to deal with all this new information, but he knew what he had to do.

Puffing his chest out, as well as he could with the lights wrapped around him, Nicky exclaimed “I want to help you”

The room quieted, and Joe looked him up and down bewildered. 

“You’re basically a Santa fanboy… and you want to help us?” he questioned, his dark eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

Nicky shly nodded, “I won’t stand with a man with that,” he briefly paused as he thought of what to say, “abhorring behaviour,” he announced.

Joe was silent at his words, before his face slowly breaking out in a sharp smirk. 

“Well then we better get you out of these ropes, it’s time to plan this coup”

And with a loud cheer, they got back to work. Santa’s time had come.


End file.
